I saw something on social media a few days ago floating around regarding a popular artist and his treatment of his first son and his mother. She typed out a 6-8-page document detailing her encounters with him and actions he has supposedly taken/not taken to lead her up to the point of venting on social media.
I must point out that only them and God know the truth. The rest is up for speculation. The issue here is a lot of details were exposed and although the post has since been deleted, I am sure that it has been saved, screenshotted and shared already. One day her son may gain access to said posts and read what was on his mother’s heart at the time. It may be upsetting for him and it may make him feel some resentment towards his father also.
I can understand why she did it because from my own experience of dealing with my daughter's dad it is literally SO frustrating at times. It is like dealing with another child, but one in an adult’s body. The person once behaved a certain way and now all of a sudden, they change, and you no longer recognise them. You cannot fathom why they are not taking their role seriously and why they feel that they have the right to speak to you in a certain way when you are the one doing all of the hard work. As I said I have been there.
My stance on this is to ignore them. Completely. Get on with your life and use the resources God has given you to better yourself. It took me some time to realise that where I once was would not be where God was going to plant me forever. I am no longer where I once was 3 years ago, God has elevated me to a higher place. My daughter has filled my life with purpose and I am a completely different woman today. I do my best for my daughter and everything she has is because of my family, loved ones and I. She will only ever need people who love her in her life because children grow and thrive from love.
I just feel that regardless of what they may feel about the mother of their child, they helped to create a life/in some cases; lives. So, they need to come to a suitable arrangement and care for their child(ren.) For some of these men the reason they are not there is because they feel that they are spiting the mother. In actuality they are hurting their child(ren). It is upsetting because they have the mother, but no father. When a child is young, they notice who is around them, but not so much who is not there. There will come a time when they begin to understand that they have a mother, but wonder where their father is. The mother is left to bear the brunt and answer so many questions. Some she may not even know the answer to. It is not fair and absent fathers MUST do better.
It is easier for them to walk away because out of sight, out of mind. They don't have to deal with the early mornings or the nights when they are refusing to sleep. They don't have to put money together for clothing or food. They literally walk away with no care in the world. I cannot explain why they do this and I will never try to justify their actions because wrong is wrong. If you help to create a life, you should be present to step up to the plate and deal with your actions. More needs to be done to stop this cycle of absent fathers because it has become the norm for irresponsible “men.” I salute all of the men out there who have acknowledged their roles as fathers and who have stepped up to the plate.
I would be lying if I said that it does not cause me pain sometimes mainly when she speaks so fondly of her father. It is because she doesn't understand. When she asks where he is, it makes me reflect on the fact that he never bats an eyelid to establish whether his daughter needs anything. It can make you feel resentment towards them if you are not careful hence why I said earlier to ignore them. You have to pretend that they do not exist and carry on living your life as if you never met them in the first place. Bitterness and resentment will hinder you from moving on with your life. You do not need that and nor do your children.
From before she was born I remember people telling me that it takes a very unkind human being to just abandon their child and be comfortable doing so. Those words have never left my head. If anything, his absence in her life has made me stronger; stronger for her and stronger for me. I could never allow myself to just fall apart because he refuses to do certain things or play an active role in her life. So, I encourage you to use all of what you experience to make you a better person and mother.
I will not allow anything or anyone to bring me down, not just for my sake, but for my daughter's. I need to ensure that I am being the best mother that I can be for her and although every day may not be full of sunshine, we will aim to see the positive in each new day. This is what I built my brand on; positivity, because Independent Mothers often have nobody to speak life to them, nobody who cares enough to check up on them or lend a caring ear.
I need whoever reads this to understand that these struggles shall pass. The hardships, the tears they will all go. Bella starting school has really shown me more than ever that she is growing up so quickly. As an Independent Mother, one day our load will be lighter because our children will help us to carry them.
I leave you with 6 tips:
TRY not to dwell too much on your ex and what he is up to. Have a nonchalant attitude. Be focused on your life, your child(ren) and building your future.
Don't waste time or energy posting to social media about them. Put that energy into blossoming into the beautiful, strong woman and mother that God created you to be.
NEVER under any circumstance should you ever blame your child(ren) for their father not being there. It is not their fault because they did not ask to be here. We cannot make excuses for grown beings who claim to be men. That is their choice. We all have the power to create our life, to make the right choices. If someone wants to be there, they will be there regardless.
Hold on to God and cling to His every word. You don't have to take my word for it when I say that He is faithful. Try Him and see for yourself.
Don't force someone to be involved if they do not want to be because it will just come with resentment and negative vibes. Your children need love and happiness only.
Continue loving your child(ren) and yourself. Do your best, but do not do strain yourself trying to do too much. Your child(ren) will always appreciate your efforts.
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