Common Misconceptions Of Independent Mothers



Independent Mothers Are Lazy

I beg to differ because some independent mothers know that they may not have someone to turn to, therefore they get on with what needs to be done. They do not sit around waiting for someone to come along and rescue them. According to a study by the Office of National Statistics (ONS 2017) 68% of single parents are in work. Independent mothers are far from lazy because they have to work twice as hard especially if they are working all day, then coming home to play mum.

In fact, 42% of single parent families out of work were not working because of reasons relating to childcare in 2014 and 22.8% were unemployed (ONS 2017). With childcare being so expensive it is no surprise that some parents cannot afford it. Although the government has introduced some incentives; 15/30 hours free childcare – these may not be offered by every setting.

There are also waiting lists for free places and these tend to be offered on a first come, first serve basis meaning parents are left without childcare.

Independent Mothers are angry and bitter

Becoming an independent mother can be a complete surprise and it is important to note that it can happen to anyone, married or not. There are so many different reasons as to why a mother becomes a lone parent; perhaps the mother made the decision herself because it was the best thing to do for her family.

It is unfair to state that all independent mothers are angry and bitter. People are individuals and deal with things in different ways. Pain, disappointment, anger, grief, abandonment and shock are feelings all independent mothers may encounter at one point in their journey, but coming to terms with their reality and dealing with these emotions will only help them to become stronger in the long run.

Eventually, accepting what has occurred will help in the healing process and then they can finally close the door and rebuild their lives. Knowing that you are all your children need to be happy is a far better comfort than being with someone who does not truly want to be there.

Independent Mothers are selfish

I don’t know about you, but putting your life on hold to raise a little human and putting them before your own desires does not seem selfish to me. What is selfish is deciding to stay in an unhealthy relationship claiming it is “for the sake of the children!” Children need a loving, stable, safe and happy environment to thrive. It is better to do your best for your child by accepting what is and getting out of a sour relationship. If possible, you can work out an arrangement for their father to spend some time with them and perhaps discuss co-parenting.

I remember speaking to another independent mother and even taking our children on play dates. She was very comfortable to give me an insight into how she dealt with her ex disclosing to me that when he did not do what she wanted, she would prevent him from seeing their child. I felt really sad for the child and for the father.

Many independent mothers would love their child’s father to be present, but others use their children as some sort of toy to play games with their ex partners. I think this is wrong on, so many levels and it also reflects very badly on them. I urge you if you are one of those mothers, PLEASE STOP! If your child’s father wants to be there, let him! Stop standing in the way of their relationship. Your plan may will backfire and your child might grow up to resent you once they discover the truth.

In general, a dad is supposed to be there for their child, if he is still there for you and you both are cordial – then that’s a bonus. If he is not rushing to your every demand or whim, do not punish him by denying access to your child. Remember real fathers have rights too!

Independent Mothers Cannot Do It Alone

It is true that it takes a village to raise a child, but this does not just apply to us independent mothers it is inclusive of other parents also. Teachers play an active role in our children’s lives and so do other active members of our families. Everyone has a story to tell, some wisdom to impart and there is always a lesson to be taught. Allow others to help you with your child and don’t be so quick to shut them out. We all need help sometimes. It is just the way it goes.

Independent Mothers Do Not Allow The Dad To See The Child

I saw recently something floating about on social media about Ciara not allowing her sons dad to see him. I also saw that allegedly Kelis was doing the same to Nas. It is important for us all to remember that the media fabricates a lot of thigs just to put a story out. We also do not know if these sources are reliable. At the end of the day celebrities are human beings and they hurt just like us.

There are numerous reasons as to why a mother may prevent a father from seeing their child, abuse; physical, drug or alcohol, constantly letting down the child, through spite, control or even fear. There may also be other reasons. Whatever the reasons are if a contact centre is an option then I strongly encourage it, so that there can be other trained professionals around and you meet in a safe place.

A lot of independent mothers have left the door open for the fathers, but of course if the fathers do not want to be present then it is on them. They can never say that they were denied access when they have never made the effort from the beginning.

Independent Mothers Are Desperate To Find Fathers For Their Children

The problem with this misconception is that a lot of independent mothers are so focused on raising their children, working hard, smashing their goals, staying healthy, dodging negativity and living their best lives. I personally do not think that it is difficult to find a man, but independent mothers do not just want a man that everyone can have, they would like someone who will love them and love their children. This does not mean that they are desperate, it just means that they deserve to be happy like everyone else and they also deserved to be loved by someone else too. Being the best mother to their children is always the priority, men come after.

Independent Mothers Are All Struggling And Living In Poverty

In regards to struggling; actually, a lot of independent mothers have their moments (just like any other parent), but they remember who they are doing it for, hold their heads up high and carry on. Many are doing so well for themselves and have even gone back to work early, so that their children can have the best of everything. They never want to see their child struggling, so they are prepared to put in all the hard work now, so that later they can sit back and watch their children blossoming.

Independent Mothers Only Have Themselves To Blame

As stated earlier independent mothers come from various walks of life and diverse backgrounds; old and young, all classes, various races, from being married to divorced or widowed, separated, abandoned and so forth. You cannot foresee the future, if you could you would be rich. You also cannot force someone to stay with you if they decide that they do not want to. In the same way you cannot force a man to be a dad if he chooses that he does not want to. It is sad, but it is reality.

Independent Mothers Children Will Be Disadvantaged

Says who? Children from lone parent families are just as loved as any other child. It is the little things that make a difference, like showing up to their performances, being on time to pick them, having mealtimes together, saying “I love you,” being affectionate, believing in them, praising them and making sure that they have the best opportunities in life.

Contrary to popular belief your children will not grow up to be uncontrollable delinquents, they shall excel in school, college and beyond, they will be smart, sociable and well-mannered members of society who will one day go on to change the world. Do not listen to what anybody says, your children are going to be more than alright.

Independent Mothers Are Failures

To me failing is when you sit down, fold your arms and give up on everything. From when you wake up at all hours of the night to tend to your children, you get out of bed exhausted in the morning ready to start the day, get your children ready, prepare breakfast for them and bring them to nursery/school – YOU ARE in no way, shape or form a failure.

YOU are the definition of a #MUMBOSS!

You may not have anyone cheering you on, but just know that your children will always be your biggest cheerleaders.

Being a mother is hard, but being an independent mother is on a whole new level. I commend all my fellow independent mamas. We deserve medals!

With Love,

Roxanne-Sasha x

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